What I’m really thinking: my partner plans to leave me

My partner and I had been trying to have a baby together for the past two years. I know how difficult that can be, because when you’re trying for a baby with someone you love and want to be a mother, it’s harder than anything else in the world.

My partner got married in February and we’d just moved into our house. When I found out I was pregnant two weeks later, I was positive and elated. The only thing I had any worries about was my options. My partner was planning to have a child and now, he says, our relationship is over, and he’s taken his new wife and child with him.

During my pregnancy I’d really been struggling with symptoms. I was really tired. Every day, I woke up and I felt terrible. My hair was falling out. I felt sickness and often had problems breathing. I’d go on medication and I started to lose weight and wake up on my tummy so early in the morning that I thought I was going to faint.

I felt this mix of anxiety and fear during my pregnancy, but mostly I felt what I like to call the desire to bring my baby into the world. And at the same time, I felt an overwhelming pleasure and real fulfillment inside, a feeling I could only describe as life-affirming.

I feel like it’s my duty to try and do my very best, to grow our baby, whatever the outcome. You never know with your first pregnancy. So if it fails, it fails, but at least I’ve given it a really good go.

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